Mental Health…

Nightmares about the Devil trying to kill me.

Sometimes at night, I wonder what it’s like to drown at sea.

Society likes to label people who self harm as down and outs, because they have scars on their wrists.

Society judges Bi Polar sufferers because their misunderstood, then when they slip up their criticised because their personality split.

People tell other people online to go and end their life.

What we need is to be there for each other. Not to encourage someone to pick up a knife.

It’s so hard at night, seconds turn to minutes and minutes turn to hours.

Bad thoughts pollute are minds, it feels like it’s all going sour.

Some people hate hearing about others struggles with Mental Health. But believe me we hate talking about it and hate ourselves more.

Most nights were alone crying on the bathroom floor.

The Devil attacks at night and tries to make us choose between razor, knife or Pills.

We’re just normal people in pain and one day we pray for our minds to be still.

Having a following is not a good thing, it brings piles of pressure.

You need to find yourself a Rosie or Daniela their both treasures.

People are not suicidal because their sad, their suicidal because their hurt.

Deep down we all want a ‘normal’ life and to escape the Devil and our graves of dirt.

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Purpose…

One day you wake up and want something different.

The thought of changing for the better is mind blowing, this is definitely my preference.

Everyday that goes by I feel like I’m becoming more awake.

I now know, in this world a positive difference I can make.

I’m making changes in my routine, I meditate and centre my thoughts every morning.

I’m done with waking up every day and my first thought is mourning.

I’m creating a new me, after 33 years, I’m finally looking in the mirror and like what I see.

When bad thoughts come now, I accept them but refuse to take a knee.

I’m learning how to love myself and discover my purpose.

Whatever happens I’m done reacting to trauma and noise. I want better than a life like a circus.

I will live like this for the rest of my life.

Never again will I let the Devil consume my thoughts and pass me a knife.

This journey I’m on is picking up pace and I can see the light.

Now I know how to deal with bad thoughts, the Devil to me can know longer bite.

This is a new me, and I’m coming out of these dark waves.

Never again will I follow the Devil and his directions to my grave.

Parents…

If I had died, I honestly don’t think my own Mother would have cried.

People said “What you’ve got a Brain Tumour, where’s your Mum is she coming to see you? See me? Are you joking she didn’t even try”

I was always told as a kid, you’re not good enough to do this.

Mum would always say “All you’re doing is setting your self up to fail and miss”.

Id planned a way out of all this noise and hurt.

The pills I couldn’t stomach and I just cried in the dirt.

When I tried to end my life, I thought my parents would be relieved.

I was and always will be deemed a failure to them, I was sure they would not grieve.

Material things I never wanted for.

Love on the other hand was on the other side of a locked door.

I banged on the door for so many years.

All I did was cry so many tears.

Just because my mum didn’t love me.

It doesn’t mean I can’t be awake and show everyone the real me.

What’s happened in my past will not dictate my future.

It’s time to forget the Tumour, I need to live my life and be my own ruler.

Devil…

I have seen the Devil too many times now.

When I didn’t jump or die from the overdose. All the Devil did was look at me and growl.

Millions of us now, are stuck in these deep dark waves of Mental Health.

The Devil I sometimes see, but often he’s hidden in stealth.

I went out last night for a few drinks.

As soon as I got in I heard the Devils voice “Jump, just Jump” I collapsed on the floor crying, I could feel my soul sink.

I feel like in my head everything is such a mess.

My mind and body some days just can’t cope, I’m just full of stress.

Sometimes I think I should just jump, on the way down I can think about all my sins.

I imagine jumping and on the way down I see the Devil and he just grins.

The worse time is at night, my heart races and my chest feels tight.

I just want someone to grab my hand and lead me towards the light.

If you hate me, believe me I hate myself more.

I feel like on my bad days I’m getting closer to deaths door.

The Devil has told me to go die but he knows I’ve already died…emotionally.

He knows I’m struggling and a mess, his words carry so much potency.

One…

One is your friend from work whose sitting outside on their lunch in tears.

One is your cousin. He’s been struggling for a long time, a number of years.

One is your old school teacher who never married or had kids.

One is your friend whose boyfriend has just cheated on her, her life has really hit the skids.

One is your sister, she’s just had a baby, she should be happy but she cant even smile.

One is your best friend, there hurting so much they can’t even pick up the phone and dial.

One is sleeping around, partying every night and taking all sorts of drugs.

One is the love of your life they just needs to know it will be alright, please give them some hugs.

One has all the money in the world, beautiful kids and a beautiful wife.

One has the best job in the world, but he’s under so much pressure and strife.

One is being abused by their partner, they think it’s normal so they just carry on.

One is being told she’s ugly and no one wants her, she cant handle this pain she wants to be gone.

If you have someone who is in your life and they seem down.

Just be there for them and try takeaway there frown.

You never know what’s going on inside someone’s head.

So please be supportive so your friend or loved one doesn’t end up dead.

Dont struggle alone.

I’m just sat here with a pen and paper trying to reach that one person whose struggling.

My mind is still cloudy but it’s getting clearer. I hope no one else’s mind is tumbling.

There’s not a day that goes by that the Demons don’t tempt me.

But i’ve got some great friends and there keeping me straight so i can see.

That one day when the devil called me to jump off the 10th floor.

I walked up to floor 10 and his voice got louder, but i couldn’t walk through the door.

It wasnt that i wanted to die, i just didn’t want to live with these thoughts.

I just wanted to feel free so i could connect the dots.

Ending my life seemed so easy, all i had to do was jump.

But i thought of Daniela and how she said to me this is just a bump.

I couldn’t leave Rosie and Lisi either, it would hurt all 3 if i died.

Instead i retreated into myself, they asked “Are you alright” I said “yes”, I lied.

What i’m trying to say with this poem is don’t lose hope.

You don’t have to struggle on your own balancing on that tightrope.

There’s someone in this world that loves you more than you know.

My two guiding lights are Rosie and Daniela, I love you both i hope you know.

Me…

My heart is my biggest asset, it’s big and pure.

I had a Brain Tumour, I thank God everyday they found a cure.

I’m still single at 33, I’m getting old and my hair is slowly falling out.

Sometimes my Anxiety gets so bad, when I need help I can’t shout.

I’ve got a big head and I’m not very good looking.

I hope my heart makes up for that and my lack of cooking.

I hope one day I look in the mirror and feel less insecure.

I hope one day I look in the mirror and feel more secure.

One day if someone loves me for me.

I hope with all my heart that makes me see what they see.

I wear my heart on my sleeve like a surgery.

One thing I can now now promise you won’t get from me is perjury.

I’m a floored human being whose far from perfect.

One day I hope to start a family so that part of my life will connect.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m a good man.

One day I pray for my own family, it will be like my own little clan.

When i became a man…

When i became a man i realised i wanted something more from my life.

I realised i wanted to have a life full of great memories and not full of strife.

When i became a man i realised a lot of my peers were stuck in eternal adolescence.

I decided i wanted to be different, i wanted to be made up of another essence.

When i look at some of my peers, all your doing is living for friday and dreading monday.

Living like this is no good, it’s just putting you on the road to doomsday.

You should be planting seeds for your future and planning a life that you’ll treasure.

If you start planting seeds for your future, when they grow your life will be full of pleasure.

Before i became a man i was obsessed with material possessions.

When i became a man i became obsessed with writing sessions.

When i became a man i realised i needed to let go of certain people.

I want people who will support me and i support them, i want it to be peaceful.

When i became a man, i realised there was more to going out and getting drunk.

I wanted to see more of the world and not end up in a funk.

When i became a man i realised i wanted a life that’s was fulfilled and enjoyable.

For me to have a fulfilling life, i know what i have to do and it’s all possible

Feelings 11/07/19

I’m not trying to get sympathy or messages of encouragement.

I just want to feel loved and wanted, i want to feel encouraged.

Sometimes i think i’m paranoid and feel like things are worse than they are.

I don’t know know why i push people away. The last thing i want is for them to say Au Revoir.

I feel like i am getting stronger day by day.

The dark thoughts are still there, but now i know what to say.

I wish i knew why some days i can’t do the basic things like shower.

On these days i feel worthless, like i have no power.

I’ve been through a lot and sometimes i feel im to hard on myself.

Whatever you’re going through, please don’t be anything apart from yourself.

I know i want to live and that’s a great feeling.

I know everything is not perfect, still to do there is a lot of healing.

People tell me i’m a warrior but i feel like an amateur.

To live a long like and have a big family is what i prefer.

I think of all the people that won’t live a long life.

I feel like because of this, i should embrace life and beat all the strife.

5 minute work poem about work colleagues…

I sit here in work and im watching everyone.

Andre is always falling asleep he won’t be outdone.

Alexa is mad she’s had to move seats because of Andres sleeping.

While im just sit here making sure Hugo cant see me writing…its all about safe keeping.

Henry is laughing about some meme and listening to his music.

Maz is laughing away, his laugh is evil but its amusing.

Ines is working hard but occasionally i see her smile, it always lights up the room.

Gabrielle is laughing at Hugo, her laugh is infectious it can lift any amount of doom and gloom.

Anna walks in and she’s always smiling, you need people like that at work.

Carolina sits behind me, she’s always reading and i’m always writing but when it comes to work we don’t hide or shirk.

Hugo is telling Andre Ramalho off, Andre just smiles and laughs.

Maz walks over and jokes with Andre and we all smile and then we all laugh.

Anna and Joao are talking i think there having a coaching session.

Joao is talking and Anna is listening, maybe Anna asked a question.

Hugo and Maz are having some banter, while i’m sat here still annoyed the machine stole my Coffee money.

Now i’m sat here thinking what rhymes with money? Sunny does
😊. I hope when i go on my lunch its sunny.