She comes home from work and everything gets too much and she breaks down and cries.

He keeps messaging and every message breaks her down…everything he says is lies.

She doesn’t forget the bad things he’s done, but she thinks about the good things more.

He’s a master manipulator, serial adulterer and a liar. What time she’s taken him back, she’s convinced it will be different, she’s so sure.

She said his last mistake would be his last mistake.

She says hes getting no more chances, but my heart sinks that she might give him one more take.

It’s like watching the saddest story over and over again.

My heart breaks her she’s such a beautiful person but I’m worried she won’t ever mend.

If I’m being honest it’s hurt me to see her heart get broke and him get chance after chance.

Her reality should be different, but he has her heart, it’s like hes brainwashed her and I can’t break her out of this trance.

His heart is black and his intentions are anything but pure.

He makes empty promises and he expects her to forget all of his mistakes from before.

It scares me they might get back together.

If she does I’m worried she won’t know anything other than sadness forever.

I hope you read this poem and realise it’s my way of saying I Love You.

I’d do anything for you, I just want to help take away that feeling of blue.

New

If I overdosed, would anyone care that I’m gone.

Life gets harder and scarier every page that I’m on.

I walked through the valley of the shadow of death and feared everything.

The Devil tried to bully me. He shouted at me and he never stops shoving.

Temptation sets in, “Here’s a pill Ricky just have one more”

Every pill I had it made me sink lower and crash through the floor.

Nightmares about the Devil trying to kill me.

If you’d had 30 seconds in my head, you wouldn’t believe what you would see.

The light was fading so fast, I had so much more to say.

But I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t get through another day.

The doctor said I’d fill better with Lexapro.

I couldn’t move forward and I couldn’t let go.

People look at my life and think that’s it’s perfect.

I’ve thought about ending my life and wondered if it’s worth it.

Sometimes i need to take a pen and paper and write till I’m out of space.

Writing takes me away to a much better better place.

Untitled…

I’m sorry I don’t want to be here anymore, I want to leave and I’m in a hurry.

The bad thoughts are running through me, it’s like a flurry.

As death rattled my cage, the voices began to fade.

My mind is finished, I’m exhausted, soneone please give me aid.

I don’t want to go, but I feel like I have to.

I’m tired of being me, I’m always feeling blue.

If I go to heaven, I hope one day you’ll visit.

“I can’t do this anymore, not even for one more minute”

My mind is so messed up, it’s a burden and it feels so heavy.

I haven’t showered or slept in 2 weeks, my mind feels scary.

I sat there with the pills and I could still here your voice.

I’m a mess, no one wants me, I need to go, this isn’t even a choice.

As I write this I reflect.

I wanted to die, but I didn’t know what to expect.

I decided to stay and fight the pain.

As the year closes, I’m still alive and I get to enjoy all the gain.

This time of year…

There’s tinsel on the tree and there’s presents on the floor.

Santa’s been and gone, now Nan and Grandad are knocking at the door.

My niece and nephew are playing with their presents and the turkey is turning Brown, this is perfection and times going slow.

Mariah Carey is playing on the radio, the excitement begins to grow.

This time last year my world turned upside down.

Know one realised how ill I felt, I was hiding the biggest frown.

This year will be different. Im gonna buy presents for all the people I love.

I can’t wait to see their faces, last year’s memories I can now dispose of.

I want to sit round a big table and pour everyone a drink.

Last year is just a distant memory as I sit hear and think.

I can still hear my Grandad laughing at the Christmas cracker jokes.

He used to wear these awful Christmas ties, but he was a once in a lifetime kind of bloke.

What I want this year is all my friends to be happy and content.

I want to see smiles everywhere and that’s worth more than any money spent.

Let’s raise a glass to the ones we hold near. Let’s make sure we make some memories that are good enough to last.

Hold your loved ones as close as you can because before you know it, it’s all over and done, it goes so fast.

Dear You…

Dear you, I thought of you everytime I got lonely, now there’s nothing else I can do, so this is me reaching out to you.

I’ve decided to write you a poem, and I hope this makes our friendship feel new.

I bet in your life there’s been so much change.

I hit rock bottom and everything changed.

I hope you’re doing ok, and your life is going well.

My life has been up and down as the tumour began to swell.

You must have moved home along time ago and changed your number.

I thought your life was great and mine was stuck in a slumber.

I heard you had kids and your own house.

My dream was to have our own house and you’d be my spouse.

Your probably living in a beautiful house, I’m so proud you must have got out.

You always smiled, like you never experience doubt.

Finally I tracked down your friend, I asked how you was?

I wanted to congratulate you and give you applause.

I got the worst feeling and my heart sank when your friend began to cry.

My life crashed when he said you took your own life in July.

Memory…

I read all our old messages you just don’t know it.
I open up my gallery of pictures, I look at you what feels like forever, then a tear rolls down my cheek, so I close it.
I remember the first time I met you.
I remember the last time I saw you too.

All I wanted was to be Ken to your Barbie.
I loved being around you, it always felt like the best party.
You said you’d help me get better.
Now you’re gone, to feel near to you I have to write a letter.

I love you…I was 33 the first time I said it.
Now you’ve left, but I know I meant it.
As soon as I got the Brain Tumour, I thought she’d leave so I’d hold her.
But she left and her voice is a memory and her face is a blur.

You said you’d help me.
You said you’d make it better, so I could see.
But you left and never looked back.
Every minute of everyday you live in my head, like a constant flashback.

To Everyone…

I’m an anxious Brain Tumour Survivor whose obsessed with Time machines. If I could I’d put in 1995 and leave, a kid on Rookeries Close, playing with my friends outside. That was the only time I felt alive.

As I got older things got darker and my life began to dive.

Friends saw me and waved.

I smiled but inside my head I was thinking about my own grave.

People spoke to me and I just felt Ill.

All I was thinking about was taking that next pill.

I was so lost and depression had me drowning in its seas.

I was so low I sunked to my knees.

Thinking of suicide blew my mind.

But in reality the only thing I blew was time.

I’m trying my best to get better.

Rosie said she’d help me if i let her.

I’m just thankful I have all of you as my sister’s and brothers.

A better life and better health you helped me discover.

I’m gonna survive this and I know some of you are struggling too.

Don’t give up on me and I promise I won’t give up on you ❤❤❤

My Mind…

Sometimes I wish i could go back to when my biggest worry was losing a football match at play time, life was so simple.

I’ve spent too long wondering what it would be like to hold a gun to my temple.

When I thought of suicide.

All I was doing to myself was commiting mental Genocide.

It was like I was killing my own mind.

The Devil played his symphony so loud, i couldn’t hear that old voice, that one that used to be kind.

I spent so long looking for a saviour.

I look back and wish my mind was better, you might even say I’m ashamed of my behaviour.

When I imagined holding that gun to my temple.

One squeeze and my life would have been done, looking back on it is mental.

I thought suicide would stop the noise.

When I was suffering, all i wanted to go back to PlayStation and Wrestling figures for toys.

The Tumour made me ache.

The pain in my mind made my heart break.

People don’t realise how much I thought about my own grave.

There was a time it consumed me, ending my life is what I craved.

Untitled…

Is it anxiety that makes me feel crazy?

Is it depression that makes me detach and feel lazy?

When I think about the mistakes I’ve made, I’m there all night, I just lay awake.

Thinking about every little thing that’s happened. I just lie there and shake.

The pharmacist used to look at me and think what a polite mess.

She never said it out loud, but wherever I went I felt less.

I’m standing here admitting ‘I wanted to die’

I had nothing left that’s why I picked up the pills, I didn’t want to try.

I had so many nightmares, I was scared of my own bed.

Depression got comfortable, like a permanent resident in my head.

Depression had me dreaming of ways of escaping this scene.

Anxiety had me panicking like I was forever stuck behind this screen.

I was fed so many lies by depression, it’s all what consumed my head.

Depression and Anxiety used to talk to me all the time, I remember everything they said.

I will leave my poetry here, so the people know what I said.

But it’s never considered a masterpiece until the artist is dead.